This weekend I danced in the Mud Band during D.C. Carnival…OMG!!!! I had so much fun! I had been looking forward to this day since I missed out LAST YEAR! Being part of DC Carnival and the parade was on my bucket list (Another thing checked off!) making Saturday a great day in accomplishing life goals.
As I mentioned in the last Triple “F” post, I’m going through a major life transition. This phase is truly about reconnecting with myself and loving all that I am. I’ve been in a dormant cycle and apparently 2010 is my year of awakening. One of the biggest awakenings has been accepting my body even though I’m not physically where I want to be. Carnival definitely opened my eyes! 🙂 I can admit now that my weight gain is equal parts inactivity and “hiding out”. The inactivity is easy to explain. I went from an active lifestyle in college, walking all around the biggest campus better known as Virginia Tech, to sitting in front of a desk for 8 hours a day. My metabolism pretty much came to a halt. But gaining weight isn’t just the result of being sedentary. It is also a reflection of being scared of me.
I have been “stacked” from a very young age. When I was 12 I looked like I was 16. I can’t begin to count the number of men astonished at my age after trying to hit on me. I look older and have an old soul. Add my curvy frame…Good Lawd! The attention I got from middle school on was RIDICULOUS! I’m thankful for my family. They love they gave definitely prevented me from falling prey to compliments from boys and men. But part of my defense mechanism has also been to hide my figure. In middle school it was baggy clothes (Thank goodness for ’90s fashion!) My mother was horrified I would never wear a dress except for special occasions. She HATED how lost I looked in all of my clothing. She wanted to see her beautiful daughter. I wanted bury her daughter in fabric. It was easier to deal with life draped in layers. Being bigger than my peers and learning to navigate the attention my body garnered was difficult at times. I became much more comfortable in college (Yeah, your girl was good for leggings and a fitted tee) but that awkward girl was always in the shadows. She took over again after graduation when the pounds began to mount. Next thing I knew, she didn’t just pull out the fabric. The chick buried me in flesh!!!
If it wasn’t for Facebook, there probably would be no current pictures of me anywhere. For the last 8 years I have made a conscious effort to avoid the camera (until more recently). Pictures document all the weight I’ve heaped on over the years. Pictures chronicle how I have/had yet to accept my sensuality and sex appeal. But what’s crazy, it still comes through. Even though the extra pounds have distorted my shape, it hasn’t distorted my sexiness, beauty, and vibrancy. The awkward girl tried to cover it up but she can’t hide the essence of me. On this Triple “F” Journey, I’m learning that I shine no matter what I do. I have two choices: 1) Keep attempting to dim my “light” and continue burning myself (Burning = Weight Gain) or 2) Dance in my light and enjoy the glow of my spirit.
I choose #2 by being in the Mud Band. Extra pounds and all, I put on leggings, a tank top, and a whole lotta mud! OH! I felt free and beautiful and sexy and desirable and uninhibited! My body may not be where I want it to be but it is attractive to me and a lot of other people! The looks and the compliments felt so good. They were so needed to remind me I am FIERCE! FLY! & FABULOUS! I just gave into the music, let my body find the rhythm and let me shine brightly! The men were like moths to a flame! LOL! Maybe not quite moths to a flame but I was my “flame” was appreciated.
I’m no longer “hiding out”. Right now, I’m a size 18 Woman. That is fact. The great thing about my Triple “F” Journey is that I’m changing that fact into history. It starts with accepting now matter what number is on the clothes label or what jiggle I can’t stand, I am gorgeous! Some will be attracted to the light. Others will seek shade. But my shine is heavenly beautiful. I learned that from playing in the MUD!!!!!